Wanting To End It All

Eventually, the drugs stopped being an escape.

They became a prison.

My addiction had taken me further than I ever thought I would go. Cocaine had become a daily part of my life, and at the height of my addiction I was spending around $250 a day trying to feed something that could never be satisfied.

I was exhausted.

I was broken.

And I had reached a place where I could no longer see a way out.

What made it even harder was that I knew better.

I had preached the Gospel. I had told other people about the freedom found in Jesus Christ. I knew the Scriptures. I knew what God had called me to be.

But when I looked at my own life, all I could see was how far I had fallen. And I believed I had truly gone too far. 

The shame became overwhelming.

Eventually, I reached a point where I decided I didn't want to live anymore.

I got into my car—the same car where I had purchased cocaine for the very first time—and tried to end my life.

I connected a water hose to the exhaust and ran it into the car. I took sleeping pills and waited for everything to end.

But that wasn't the end of my story.

I woke up in a hospital.

The emergency-room doctor looked at me and told me something I have never forgotten:

“You shouldn't be alive.”

He was right.

By every expectation, that morning should have been my last one.

But God had another chapter.

At the time, I couldn't see that. I didn't suddenly wake up with everything fixed. I was still addicted. I was still broken. I was still carrying shame, regret, and the consequences of the life I had been living.

But I was alive.

Looking back now, I can see something I couldn't see then:

Jesus had not given up on me.

When I thought my story was finished, God was preparing to rewrite it.

I eventually entered rehab, carrying all the addiction, shame, failure, and brokenness that had brought me to that point.

And only a few days after I arrived, something happened that I could never have manufactured, planned, or explained away.

The man who had spent years running from God was about to discover that Jesus had never stopped pursuing me.

The lowest point wasn't going to be the end of my story.

It was going to become the place where everything changed. Because I was fixing to have..........

THE ENCOUNTER.

When Jesus Entered the Room

I entered rehab completely broken.

I had survived something I shouldn't have survived. I was exhausted from addiction, ashamed of the life I had been living, and carrying the weight of everything I had done.

I knew about Jesus.

I had preached about Jesus.

I had prayed for people and watched God move.

But somewhere along the way, I had walked away from the very One I knew could save me. I had completely turned my back on him, and in the process allowed the enemy to enter and take control of just about every area of my life.

Then, just a few days into rehab, everything changed.

I was sitting in my room when I experienced something I will never forget for the rest of my life.

Jesus walked into my room in all of my brokenness.

I was suddenly overwhelmed by a love unlike anything I had ever experienced.

It wasn't condemnation.

It wasn't anger.

It wasn't Jesus reminding me of every failure, every drug, every lie, or every time I had turned my back on Him.

It was love. The deepest form of love I had ever felt.

Pure, overwhelming, undeserved love.

I began to weep.

It felt as though years of addiction, shame, pain, guilt, and darkness were being washed away.

The chains I had spent years trying to break on my own were finally being broken by the One who had the power to break them.

Something happened inside me that day that I can only describe as deliverance, cleansing, and healing.

And then the room seemed to become brighter.

In that moment, the words of Jesus became more than something I had preached from a Bible:

“I am the light of the world.” — John 8:12 (ESV)

I had spent years walking deeper and deeper into darkness. And darkness was in me!

And then the Light walked into the room.

That day I surrendered.

I told Jesus that "if" He would take what was left of my life, it belonged to Him. And I would serve Him the rest of my life!!!!

No more running.

No more pretending.

No more trying to do life my way.

And in that moment......everything changed. I felt the darkness being forced out........... I felt "them" leave and I felt the very presence of God come inside me.

I didn't walk out of that room with every consequence erased or every relationship repaired. There was still healing ahead. There were apologies that needed to be made, and a life that needed to be rebuilt.

But something spiritual, physical and fundamental had changed.

I wasn't the same person anymore.

The man who entered that room believed his life was destroyed.

The man who walked out knew Jesus wasn't finished with him.

My story didn't change because I suddenly became strong enough to fix myself.

My story changed because Jesus chased after me and walked into the room.

And what Jesus did in that room was something I never thought I would never experience. It was the start of.............

RESTORATION.

Busy About the Fathers Business

Restoration did not happen for me the moment I walked out of rehab. But that was the beginning.

Jesus had met me at my lowest point. He had shown me that after everything I had done, every failure, every compromise, and every place my sin had taken me, His grace was still greater.

But now I had to learn how to live differently.

I had spent years running from God. Now I wanted to spend the rest of my life running toward Him and to His presence!

Restoration began with surrender.

There were consequences from decisions I had made that did not magically disappear because I had encountered Jesus.

I had to own what I had done.

And I learned something important:

God can forgive you instantly, but restoration is often a journey.

There were moments when I thought God could never use me again; But then I started wondering if He ever would use me again. Then I started noticing He was using me in very small ways but was it really possible..........

I had once preached. I had served in ministry. I had told other people about freedom in Jesus—and then I became the man who desperately needed that freedom himself.

But God was not finished with me.

Little by little, doors began opening again.

I was welcomed back into the church I once called home. God placed people around me who could encourage me, correct me, and help me continue growing. Opportunities began appearing for me to share what Jesus had done in my life.

Eventually, I was invited to speak at the very recovery facility where Jesus walked in the room.

Think about that.

I once walked through those doors completely broken, wondering whether my life was worth continuing.

Then I walked back through those doors carrying a testimony of what Jesus Christ had done and was able to share with people sitting in the exact same room and the exact same chairs I once sat in.

That is restoration.

Not pretending the past never happened.

Not hiding the scars.

Not minimizing the person, I used to be.

Restoration is Jesus taking what the enemy intended for destruction and using it to point people back to Him.

Today, I don't want my life to be about rebuilding my name.

I want it to be about lifting up the name of Jesus.

Through The Smoke Signal Podcast, speaking, Bible teaching, recovery ministry, and every opportunity God gives me, I want people who feel trapped, addicted, ashamed, rejected, or hopeless to know one thing:

Your story does not have to end where you are.

Jesus still saves.

Jesus still restores.

Jesus still breaks chains.

And I am living proof that your worst chapter does not have to be your final chapter.

My restoration is still happening. God is still working on me. I am still growing, still learning, still surrendering, and still becoming the man He has called me to be.

I haven't arrived. But I'm closer than I was yesterday!

I'm simply busy about my Father's business. And standing on His word!!!!

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” — 2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV)

And if Jesus could take the broken pieces of my life and begin making something new...

He can do it for you too. In fact, don't be surprised when he walks inside your room.